vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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