So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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