it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She needs sedatives and a leash
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
