Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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