I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
