u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Holy shit dude........stairs
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