Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
