Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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