I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
