Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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