i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
