I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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