The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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