Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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