Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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