I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
