I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
