I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
