Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
