Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
