I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
