Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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