Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
