Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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