I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
