Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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