Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
