so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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