Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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