and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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