i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
