If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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