Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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