My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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