thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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