my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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