I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
