i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
