I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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