If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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