Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
