I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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