Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
