I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
