So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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