im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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