Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
