i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Found the puke drawer
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
