i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
