i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
