tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
