I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
