My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we're so committed to being not committed
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
